Everyone hates self-compassion
What does a high-achieving, wildly successful workaholic have in common with an unmotivated stoner who's basically fused to their couch?
No self-compassion.
That sounds like the setup of a really mean joke, but it’s not. The inside of their brains are remarkably similar. Even though they’re coping in seemingly opposite ways, they’re responding to the exact same thing: a cruel, belittling internal voice.
The overachievers are trying to escape by racking up enough external sources of validation to make the horrible thoughts subside— or at least have something to show for all of the misery they’ve endured. These folks often have chronic health issues and difficulty with personal relationships, but they appear so “together” from the outside that they are often misdiagnosed with mild anxiety or ignored.
The other most common response is often mischaracterized as being lazy and unambitious. These people lapse into long term numbness and low motivation on couches across the land, hiding from their cruel inner voice and all of its reminders about what they’ve failed to do. They are more likely to struggle with substance use and be diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.
Many people toggle between both of these two extremes at different times in their life. However, the unfortunate reality remains the same: whether you’re outrunning it or plugging your ears, neither approach is effective.
Do the workaholics ever become joyous, fulfilled jetsetters savoring both their impressive resumes and the fruits of their hard work? No. The goalposts move the moment they achieve each long-awaited milestone, and the critical thoughts never end.
Do the couch potatoes ever actually feel relaxed and free from responsibility? Also no. The shame that builds up beneath the numbness is torture, and the critical thoughts also never end.
No one is psyched to find this out, obviously. But they are even less psyched when I start in on self-compassion. Ironically, both kinds of people are pretty gobsmacked that I’m suggesting it, because to both of them, it sounds like I’m suggesting that they hook themselves up to a 24/7 IV dispensing drugs and Cheeto dust directly into their veins while they live out their days watching every single Netflix original ever made. Even the stoners are like ????
“What are you talking about? I’m ashamed of this behavior! I don’t want to be like this! You’re saying I’m supposed to ACCEPT myself as I am this minute and therefore NEVER CHANGE FROM THE AWFUL CREATURE YOU SEE BEFORE YOU!?”*
*Not a direct quote… but not an exaggeration, unfortunately
The overachievers are not any happier. They think I’m hatching a plot to trick them into stagnating forever. They genuinely feel that there’s no way to get up in the morning, to work out, to pursue a career, to fulfill parenting responsibilities, to do anything— other than having a relentlessly critical inner monologue (shoutologue?) berating them about every waking thought and action.
What I’m saying is, the number of times people (in both categories!) have said to me, “I really need a kick in the ass to get things done” is MANY TIMES.
The number of times people have started therapy with a generic diagnosis of “Depression” or “Anxiety” but it really boils down to having this cruel voice rule their world? Yeah, also A LOT.
So it stands to reason that listening to a lady in a cardigan bothering them about self-compassion is not an appealing situation for them to be in. They hear my words, but the meanings they interpret are much harsher, like:
“Feeling sorry for myself”
“Letting myself do whatever I want”
“Giving up”
“Not doing anything”
That’s self-compassion as seen by The Voice™, not the real thing. So what is it? How do you do it? Well, I accidentally wrote way too much about this, so hold tight for part 2: self-compassion in action.
If you’re stuck in cycles of perfectionism, burnout, Couch Potating, or the kind of harsh self-talk that makes everything in life feel harder, learning real self-compassion can be a turning point. Therapy can help you understand the roots of your inner critic, build heathy motivation, and develop a way of relating to yourself that actually leads to change, not more shame. If you’re in Pacifica or the greater San Francisco Bay Area, or anywhere in California via telehealth, you can learn more about working with Kate here.
