If you really loved me, I wouldn’t have to ask (and how couples therapy can help)
In long-term relationships, logic like “if he wanted to, he would” is a fast track to misery.
I mean, to be fair, I think this maxim is extremely applicable to early dating situations. In the beginning of a relationship, people have mostly uncomplicated motivations. It pretty much is as simple as:
I really like this person —> ergo, I see them a lot and express affection in many ways
Or, alas:
I DON’T really like this person —> I let lots of time go by without contacting them and pretty much don’t think about them at all
But as we go from being strangers, to “talking stages” (as the kids tell me??), to dating, to truly and deeply partnered and/or married, something very fascinating happens to our bonds and our brain chemistry.
We are no longer exciting strangers. We become FAMILY. And when you’re with your family, everything is not as simple as whether you like or love someone enough. Our unconscious minds are increasingly running the show: the long shadows cast by our childhoods, our attachment needs, our memories, our shame, our culture, our obviously objectively correct method of loading the dishwasher. And even though this is the natural progression of intimacy, it can make us feel like we woke up in bed one day with a complete stranger. Here’s how.
Example: It’s not about the flowers!
Let’s just say, hypothetically, there’s a couple named Tom and Zendaya. Tom and Zendaya have been dating for 3 months. Tom wants to give Zendaya flowers because he’s filled to the gills with the adrenaline rush of falling in love. He does, and she loves it. The gesture is as simple as, I care about you, so here! Flowers. Zendaya receives them and, just as simply, feels loved and special. There’s not a lot of subtext or secret messages at this point, sweet summer children that they are.
5 years later…
It’s been awhile since Tom gave Zendaya flowers. As their love has increasingly expanded to include Netflix and being able to communicate across a crowded room via eyebrows, the gift giving (and other tokens from their early days) has subsided.
Zendaya starts to feel increasingly sad about this. She remembers how loved she used to feel when she received flowers, and wonders whether Tom still finds her special. Now that you mention it, she’s always struggled with not feeling special, since she grew up in a family that mostly dismissed or ignored her.
She doesn’t want to ask. The fantasy is that she will be chosen and seen without having to experience the humiliation of “begging” for it. Maybe if she works harder to show Tom that she finds HIM special, he’ll reciprocate and show up with flowers the next time he comes home from the grocery store.
He doesn’t.
Tom is happy with their relationship. He grew up learning that he needed to earn love by performing well in school or sports, and preferably both. In fact, feeling like he doesn’t need to impress Zendaya in order to be with her is a big part of why he’s happy. At long last, he’s found someone who loves him for HIM, not what he does for them. He notices her going out of her way for him, like making him coffee first thing in the morning, and thinks, Wow, she really cares about me. He tells her he loves her so much.
But he doesn’t know that she’s trying to earn flowers.
When asking doesn’t even work
It’s clear in this hypothetical why “if he wanted to, he would” doesn’t work. There’s no lack of love, but clearly there’s a lack of communication. It sucks, but Zendaya is going to have to be brave and ask for what she wants… Right?
Yes, but also, unfortunately it may still be a disaster.
Zendaya might say something incredibly mature and practical about how she misses getting flowers and would love to be surprised by them sometimes. Sounds very simple!
Here’s her unconscious script:
I absolutely hate asking you for this because I feel so humiliated, but please, please, please, give me flowers because I need to feel special and important to you. I have been pushed aside and unseen for so much of my life, and if you can’t see me, I’m afraid no one can.
And maybe Tom also responds reasonably, saying that he gets it.
But he’s also got an unconscious script running in the background when he hears Zendaya’s request:
Nothing I do is ever good enough to be accepted. It’s been this way my whole life. I’m longing to be seen and loved for who I am, not what I can do for others. Am I not enough? I should be enough.
And then he doesn’t give Zendaya flowers. He forgets, he feels irritable at the thought of it, he just doesn’t want to for some reason. He doesn’t know that he’s unconsciously testing whether his relationship can withstand him NOT performing or conforming to the other’s expectations. He especially doesn’t know his behavior is confirming all of Zendaya’s worst fears about her worth.
And neither of them knows what to do.
Zendaya can ask 5,000 times for flowers and still not get them, because every time she asks, she triggers Tom’s feelings of inadequacy and he instinctively resists her.
Tom can try showing love in 5,000 other ways and still piss Zendaya off, because every time he does something else instead of what she so courageously asked for, he triggers Zendaya’s feelings of invisibility.
None of their behavior is a real reflection of how much they care about the other person.
What CAN they do?
Now that I’ve made this simple little flower story as depressing and hopeless as possible, here’s the good news: problems like this are mud, not cement.
This sounds sales-y coming from a couples therapist, but in my honest opinion, relationship issues are even more difficult to solve without outside help than individual issues. I’m a huge fan of individual therapy (obviously), but when therapy is not accessible, it’s often possible to do meaningful self-work with books or podcasts, spiritual resources, mindfulness practices, or reconnecting with nature.
But intimate relationships really benefit from having an outside party there. Even if one person is self-aware enough to understand some of their unconscious longings and express their feelings well, usually their partner is not on the same page. They literally can’t perceive the other’s words without hearing criticism or blame or some other internal script. Usually, the combined effort of doing their own emotional work and attempting to prompt the same level of reflection from their partner makes that person basically combust.
A good couples therapist acts both as a translator and a guide, to assist each person to disentangle their own scripts from what their partner is saying or doing.
When Tom hears the real pain beneath the flowers– that Zendaya needs to feel uniquely chosen by him– he feels sad for her chronic loneliness, and wants to be a source of true love in her life. He understands that her asking for flowers isn’t saying, “You need to perform better in order to be loved by me.” His fear of being rejected for being imperfect lessens, and even if it trips him up sometimes, he has the tools to notice when it happens and repair his relationship.
When Zendaya sees Tom’s resistance as a way to protect himself from failing to be perfect for her, she feels compassion for his past experiences too. She wants to show Tom that he’s unconditionally accepted for who he is, and that he doesn’t need to test her love by refusing to conform to her expectations. Now, if Tom seems defensive or resistant about a request, she doesn’t hear “You’re not worth the effort of showing I care.” She can reassure him that she’s not attacking him by needing things from him, and reassure herself that she’s always been worthy.
Both partners finally understand more about themselves and each other.
Zendaya gets flowers.
If you and your partner are stuck in the same argument, feeling unseen, building resentment, or trying to decode what every missed bid for connection secretly means, couples therapy can help you understand what’s actually happening underneath the fight. It can help partners move beyond blame, defensiveness, and emotional distance, and start hearing each other with more honesty, care, and clarity. If you’re in Pacifica or the greater San Francisco Bay Area, or anywhere in California via telehealth, you can learn more about working with Kate here. For couples who want a more focused, immersive format, you can also learn more about Kate’s weekend couples therapy intensive here.
Deep Dive Therapy provides online therapy throughout California and in-person therapy in Pacifica, serving clients from San Francisco, Daly City, San Mateo, Burlingame, and the greater Bay Area.
